My camera is my therapy

My camera is my therapy, originally uploaded by * Honest *.

Went out to buy a dress today, and this is the tag that came with the dress. Clever marketing, it hit home, and would hit home with many people who are buying. We do all need therapy.

I found this quote online as well... I thought it would be fitting:
“Look and think before opening the shutter. The heart and mind are the true lens of the camera.” - Yousuf Karsh

I still feel....

I still feel...., originally uploaded by * Honest *.

Tonight I feel a void. I have been left over and over. I'm use to it though. Emotionally I've never been stable; always on a roller coaster ride. Happiness and anger fight like darkness overwhelming the light. My own voice echoes back as I call out in the dark silent room. The fear of the surrounding silence is chilling. It’s a familiar silence, too familiar, too close to home. I've been left too many times by people in my life to even feel it anymore.

A question was raised: "Do you enjoy pain?" and I begin to wonder; have I built a wall so high that I hide my sorrow even from myself? Numbed by the beatings of time; it's good to see my emotions through word and imagery, without them, how would I know my inner thoughts? It feels like another soul exists within me; it is a part of me and reveals itself when I go into a trance. The result is the release of emotions which are not recognized by my "normal self" until all the emotions have left the body and are born into something tangible. They haunt me at bedtime, the moment I shut my eyes complex thoughts flutter beneath my eyelids creating a wave of dreams I cannot awaken myself from.

- Extract from an 8 page very long ramble of mine

a silent sigh

a silent sigh, originally uploaded by * Honest *.

“One of the hardest things in life is having words in your heart that you can't utter.”
- James Earl Jones

Afterglow

Afterglow, originally uploaded by * Honest *.

"Here I am, lost in the light of the moon that comes through my window
Bathed in blue, the walls of my memory divide the thorns from the roses
It's you and the roses

Touch me and I will follow in your afterglow
Heal me from all this sorrow
As I let you go I will find my way when I see your eyes
Now I'm living in your afterglow

Here I am, lost in the ashes of time, but who wants tomorrow?
In between the longing to hold you again
I'm caught in your shadow, I'm losing control
My mind drifts away, we only have today

When the faith has gone as I let you go, as I let you go

Touch me and I will follow in your afterglow
Heal me from all this sorrow
As I let you go I will find my way, I will sacrifice
Now I'm living in your afterglow

Bathed in blue, the walls of my memory divide the thorns from the roses
It's you who is closest "

- INXS lyrics.

Inside Out

Inside Out, originally uploaded by * Honest *.

Mum walks in and asks: why are you painting with your blood? I answer; because that is the way I can feel.

I don’t know what I would have done if it was not for art. It is my breathing space, my world out of this world, where no one exists but everyone does in a different way. I don’t paint every painting literally with my blood, but they are representations of my blood, my soul, my inside brought out through an image.

I’m okay
__________________________________________________________________

"...here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart..."
- ee cummings

Let the raw emotions live on, on the web.

I’m calmer today, got a few things of my chest. A weight is being lifted day by day. I like the fact that I am in an unknown space. God writes our many paths, I cannot guess where this path may lead, I hope to success.

As an artist it is hard to produce artwork when you are working on so many different things which are always changing. Sometimes unpredictability is thrilling but if you are always in an unpredictable circle it gets stressful and tiresome. Taking a time to pause and listen to the world is vital. This is when you surprise yourself, and come up with things that you never thought could come out of you. I know I am at a point where something is going to come out of me, I just need to get to the top of that mountain and see where I have traveled from and where I am going to go.

Its getting better day by day. I hate coming from a background of depression. I refuse to let it overwhelm me. It sometimes does, but I pull myself out of that darkness. I write because I don’t talk, so there has to be a way to unleash what I feel inside, even if I cannot wrap my words around the feeling, I try. I am not a writer, but I write for the sake of writing. The black spots within me turn to white when I put these words down. It helps.

Words go out to the wind, who knows where they will lead.

I’m not going to re read this before I post. Let the raw emotions live on, on the web.

where is the quiet inside

where is the quiet inside, originally uploaded by * Honest *.

confused words are appearing in my mind rolling around the world is a jumble of an unmanageable mountain of entangled thoughts that become visual memories trying to tear apart one image from the other to make sense of it all but cant In need to escape from the people from the place from my mind something hold us back they are engrained within us from childhood like chains they shackle us hinder us from the light in the world one has to look out of themselves grab that ladder and climb to the top of the world out of themselves and find the light wherever it may be some are capable of doing it on their own and others need to be slapped out of it

honest rambling

Where is the quiet inside?

I’m gona write and not think.. Whatever comes out of my fingers will go down on my blog today… I’ll keep it raw, I might not even re-read it.

My god do I need to write… to take pictures.. and mostly to sit with photoshop and to listen to what it tells me.

I’ve been jumping from job to job. Working with creative people is not an easy task. Everyone has an ego bigger than the room; and when ego’s come together.. they either clash and the room explodes, or harmony happens and the room starts to sing.

My song has dwindled into a balloon without air.. the balloon need to become like lungs, filled up with air and soar above the clouds. I don’t know what to feel.. I don’t know what to upload.. in a state of confusion… not knowing where I stand in my own head. I need to learn to listen to myself again. Where is that quite inside?

Made friendships, friends moved away, became something different, transformed, morphed. Or is it me that has changed? A reaction to something that has happened before makes me push people away, but when you try to let them in again, they are not the same, you are not the same. Its sad.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh.. don’t play the blame game honest. Man what the hell is wrong with me.. I’m in confusion. Sitting in the darkness with no one to talk to, no one to hear my woe’s. Don’t blame Don’t blame Don’t blame. Look up… you have your health, you have your job. You are doing what you love. What’s missing though? That spark.. that something… or is it dare I say someone. Foolishness... foolish talk… happenstance’s happen for a reason. Nothing is random. Everything is planned written. We are mere pawns in this game of life, waiting for a hand to move us.

I’m talking s**t, truly. Where’s photoshop.. let me collage something.

*Honest is tired and confused; talking utter non-sense.*

Walls of Doubt

Walls of Doubt, originally uploaded by * Honest *.

"I feel one of those rambles coming along. I don’t know if I want it to come out. I don’t know if I want to hear my own thoughts. I have distracted myself for too long, Is it time to face this feeling? To come and face it, and listen to what it tells me…  Yes. Quite simply: I’m frustrated. Frustrated by the ones who take others for granted, and don’t appreciate the preciousness of others and their time. Relationships take years to be built, a realization can make that wall crumble down, and the walls of mistrust rebuild themselves in an instant thicker and harder to penetrate than they were before. The walls suffocate the soul. But it’s a learned protection; compartmentalizing is necessary to survive.

Life has taught me, if you want something known, then speak it, do it or even think it. If not don’t even let yourself know about it. Is that a possibility? Yes, this IS my reality."

-Honest Thoughts

The Arranged Question

The Arranged Question, originally uploaded by * Honest *.

Questioning the question and the intention behind it; is it from
the heart? It should be shouldn’t it? It could be… Or was it a
childhood crush that grew into a something that never should
have been? Past heartbreaks make us weary, but there is a
reason for the hurt. It has to happen for us to be the people
we are today. The question has been raised again… and the
answer is clear. Or is it?

-A Heartfelt Honest ramble